| It's been 6 months since it was over, and my heart has never been so fucked up.
I fucked up in the beginning, I know I did, but did I really deserve everything that came after? Let's break it down.
We took a break once he went through my stuff, lied to me, and said that I was talking to other guys. He tried to make things work, but I didn't want to put any effort in; my mindset: If it's going to work, it's going to work. I ended up breaking things off with him, for the main reasons being that I was sick of everyday being the same, I didn't want to be in a relationship before I moved to SD, and for our 2 year anniversary, he spent $50 on me when I would willingly pay for myself and him, &buy him things whenever I thought of him.
We still talked quite a bit even though things were over. Prom came around, and he was of course my date, I mean if I was going to go with someone to my Senior Prom, I'd rather it be someone I was comfortable with, right? Had an awesome night, he was still somewhat boyfriending me, putting his arm around me, holding my hand etc. At the end of the night I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Yes, I fucked up again. I honestly thought we would get back together eventually.
His birthday came around about 2 weeks later. I went. It was a BBQ and there was a new girl there. I didn't think much of it, he was giving her attention because she probably didn't know anyone, right? He got kinda drunk so I put him on my lap and I was holding him like he was still my boyfriend. Eventually, one of his friends had to pull me to the side and ask me what I was doing, and that he's already moved on. But... if he already moved on then why was he still staying up with me while I finished my homework? Why was he still even talking to me? I ran in to get my purse and leave, he was in the doorway, shoulderchecked his ass and left. Cried in a random parking lot, calling my best girlfriends... then called a person at the BBQ to tell them to get his keys so I could get something out of his car. I found the pillow I made for him in the back trunk under all this shit got mad, took that back and took the birthday present I got him back. While I was standing out there talking to our friend, he comes out with the new girl to say bye to a couple. The two of them then start making out and holding each other right in front of me. I bounce, my heart is fuccking shattered and I don't even know what to do. I felt really bad about shoulder-checking him and I still manage to find a way to text him "Happy birthday, I'm sorry." I spend a week moping around, I can't even allow myself to eat, I lose 10 lbs in a week making me 86lbs. I can't sleep. I wake up to images of him holding someone else that isn't me.
Eventually, we talk about everything. Hysterical, I start begging him to take me back, and he tells me no, over and over again. Eventually I gather myself together and I ask him if he thinks we'll EVER get back together again and he says no. I say okay... and that I'll come and pick up all the stuff I got him and drop off the stuff he got me. He refuses... saying that if it was a gift it's not mine anymore. Okay.. I'll admit I was just being butthurt. Blah blah eventually he agrees to give me all my stuff back. At the exchange, he refuses to take back the stuff he got me and puts everything in my trunk. I look, everything isn't even there. Amongst the stuff he gave me, are mainly things I made him, a scrapbook, pictures, a wooden box, and SOME of the material items. I leave, thinking oh well it's okay because he still let me keep the stuff he gave me. I come home, my mom asks me why I'm home so late and I start crying. I eventually end up telling her everything that happened and she starts crying with me, telling me that she never wants a boy to hurt me again.
We stop talking. I still have feelings for him, but there's nothing I can really do about it. My graduation comes up, I remember telling him to come before things got bad so I gather the courage to ask his best friend if she thinks he'll make it. She asks him and he says okay. He comes to my graduation, and we become friends again. We continue to talk, and I figure it's fine, it's better to keep talking even if he broke my heart and is seeing a new girl.
Time passes, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am to have such amazing friends. I spend all of my summer with Tammy, Joanne, Helen, and Anthony. Usually going to AU, random adventures during the weekdays, and clubbing on Thursdays. During one of those clubbing nights, I see his new girl there. I think to myself "Oh, wtf...? Oh well Timmy usually doesn't mind about these kinds of things." I chill with my friends, and see her slutting herself around. Whatevers, none of my business. Until, she walks by with her friend and her friend randomly runs into my leg. I get heated, yelling shit while those little bitches run away. I end up telling his best friend, and eventually Tim. He tells me that it was nothing serious to begin with, so it wasn't that big of a deal. We talk about how after we broke up it's been so hard to meet someone like each other. He starts talking to me again every night, and I start to fall even harder for him. We hangout a lot, I started making the effort to drive down there and see him. Eventually, this drives me crazy because I don't know what I'm doing. Am I holding onto a lost cause? I know he still feels something for me... so eventually after a week of contemplating whether or not to talk to him, I do it. I tell him that I still have hard feelings for him and I'm scared of getting hurt again. That I'm scared that I'm going to get attached to him, and he'll end up getting a new girl. I tell him the three options, either we eventually get back together, we stop talking completely so I can get over him, or we can awkwardly try to be friends again. He tells me that he still has feelings for me, but he wants me to wait until I get to college and when I'm sure I know what I want so I won't get back together with him and break up with him again. I'm sooooo happppyyy.
I stop talking to other boys and I leave all my heart with him. But... he kinda gets distant towards me. I look at his Facebook and there are tagged photos of him at a party, and a different girl is with him in a lot of those pictures. I tell myself it's nothing over and over again. Time goes by... we still talk and I still have the mindset that we'll get back together. My brother needs to go to the West Covina mall so I ask Tim if he wants to hangout. He comes and we walk around and stuff but I guess I fucked up because I expected us to hangout for the whole day, but he asks me when my brother is coming back to get me. Embarrassed, I ask my brother if he can pick me up and he comes by later. So.. for the time being we go back to Tim's house and watch a movie. The whole time... he's still texting acting like I'm not really there.
One of his friends invites me to a kickback he's throwing, and I guess Tim didn't really expect me to come. Like a fool, I even picked up a drink for Tim before I came. Throughout the night, Tim and I are somewhat near each other the whole night, but he's texting someone the whole time. Literally, every couple seconds he's replying to a text. He even leaves a beer pong game against me so he can talk on the phone. Again.... my heart drops. I get ready to leave and tell him to walk me to my car. When we get there, I ask him if he's talking to another girl. He says "Not really" and my heart drops. The answer is supposed to be No. I start crying but tell him it's okay, because we never really established anything. He tells me he'll stop talking to girls if that's what I want and I say no. I eventually leave and got played as the fool once again. As if that wasn't bad enough, let's REMEMBER that I specifically told him that I didn't want to get attached and then end up getting hurt again. It's exactly... what he did. I tell him that I really want to talk to him about everything and he puts me off. He blocks me online for a while, and won't answer my texts. We end up talking 2 days after, and I confront him about everything. He tells me "I'm not talkin to anyone, so I don't know what you're thinking" telling me that he just wants me to wait til I get to college before we get back together. And I'm happy again... I take his word for everything and he puts his arm around me.
Anyways... he ends up continuing to see that girl. I start talking to a really awesome guy, and I stop talking to Tim. I decide that it's better if we don't talk anymore so that I can get over him. He IMs me one night and I ask him what he's trying to do. Why is he still trying to play with my heart? I tell him that there's no way we can ever be friends. We've had so much history that it's just never going to work, and in order for ME to get over him I can't talk to him. He tells me that it's impossible to act like we don't know each other... and I eventually tell him that I still have feelings for him, but how do I know that all that he's telling me isn't BS? So I told him that if he wants to be with me he has to show me he's serious... and he did. This is where we are now. He started talking to me like everything was normal, he dropped the girls he was talking to, and he even came down to SD to see me.
But... now where do I go from here? I do have feelings for him but I'm pretty sure I always will. How am I supposed to just forgive everything that he's put me through... Whenever we're together, everything is okay.. but when I come home and think about everything I can't seem to let go. I can't seem to let go of how hurt I was each of those times he fucked with my heart. And the thing is... it's like he doesn't even acknowledge it. He doesn't even realize how scared I am to even allow myself to fall for anyone, nonetheless the one person that broke my heart.
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Sorry excuse my grammatical errors ... I really don't wanna bother fixing them because I hate reading this entry...
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