xbBytWinkLeZx's Xanga

Ashanti - Foolish

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:05:18 GMT

It's been 6 months since it was over, and my heart has never been so fucked up.

I fucked up in the beginning, I know I did, but did I really deserve everything that came after? Let's break it down.

We took a break once he went through my stuff, lied to me, and said that I was talking to other guys. He tried to make things work, but I didn't want to put any effort in; my mindset: If it's going to work, it's going to work. I ended up breaking things off with him, for the main reasons being that I was sick of everyday being the same, I didn't want to be in a relationship before I moved to SD, and for our 2 year anniversary, he spent $50 on me when I would willingly pay for myself and him, &buy him things whenever I thought of him.

We still talked quite a bit even though things were over. Prom came around, and he was of course my date, I mean if I was going to go with someone to my Senior Prom, I'd rather it be someone I was comfortable with, right? Had an awesome night, he was still somewhat boyfriending me, putting his arm around me, holding my hand etc. At the end of the night I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Yes, I fucked up again. I honestly thought we would get back together eventually.

His birthday came around about 2 weeks later. I went. It was a BBQ and there was a new girl there. I didn't think much of it, he was giving her attention because she probably didn't know anyone, right? He got kinda drunk so I put him on my lap and I was holding him like he was still my boyfriend. Eventually, one of his friends had to pull me to the side and ask me what I was doing, and that he's already moved on. But... if he already moved on then why was he still staying up with me while I finished my homework? Why was he still even talking to me? I ran in to get my purse and leave, he was in the doorway, shoulderchecked his ass and left. Cried in a random parking lot, calling my best girlfriends... then called a person at the BBQ to tell them to get his keys so I could get something out of his car. I found the pillow I made for him in the back trunk under all this shit got mad, took that back and took the birthday present I got him back. While I was standing out there talking to our friend, he comes out with the new girl to say bye to a couple. The two of them then start making out and holding each other right in front of me. I bounce, my heart is fuccking shattered and I don't even know what to do. I felt really bad about shoulder-checking him and I still manage to find a way to text him "Happy birthday, I'm sorry." I spend a week moping around, I can't even allow myself to eat, I lose 10 lbs in a week making me 86lbs. I can't sleep. I wake up to images of him holding someone else that isn't me.

Eventually, we talk about everything. Hysterical, I start begging him to take me back, and he tells me no, over and over again. Eventually I gather myself together and I ask him if he thinks we'll EVER get back together again and he says no. I say okay... and that I'll come and pick up all the stuff I got him and drop off the stuff he got me. He refuses... saying that if it was a gift it's not mine anymore. Okay.. I'll admit I was just being butthurt. Blah blah eventually he agrees to give me all my stuff back. At the exchange, he refuses to take back the stuff he got me and puts everything in my trunk. I look, everything isn't even there. Amongst the stuff he gave me, are mainly things I made him, a scrapbook, pictures, a wooden box, and SOME of the material items. I leave, thinking oh well it's okay because he still let me keep the stuff he gave me. I come home, my mom asks me why I'm home so late and I start crying. I eventually end up telling her everything that happened and she starts crying with me, telling me that she never wants a boy to hurt me again.

We stop talking. I still have feelings for him, but there's nothing I can really do about it. My graduation comes up, I remember telling him to come before things got bad so I gather the courage to ask his best friend if she thinks he'll make it. She asks him and he says okay. He comes to my graduation, and we become friends again. We continue to talk, and I figure it's fine, it's better to keep talking even if he broke my heart and is seeing a new girl.

Time passes, I realize how ridiculously blessed I am to have such amazing friends. I spend all of my summer with Tammy, Joanne, Helen, and Anthony. Usually going to AU, random adventures during the weekdays, and clubbing on Thursdays. During one of those clubbing nights, I see his new girl there. I think to myself "Oh, wtf...? Oh well Timmy usually doesn't mind about these kinds of things." I chill with my friends, and see her slutting herself around. Whatevers, none of my business. Until, she walks by with her friend and her friend randomly runs into my leg. I get heated, yelling shit while those little bitches run away. I end up telling his best friend, and eventually Tim. He tells me that it was nothing serious to begin with, so it wasn't that big of a deal. We talk about how after we broke up it's been so hard to meet someone like each other. He starts talking to me again every night, and I start to fall even harder for him. We hangout a lot, I started making the effort to drive down there and see him. Eventually, this drives me crazy because I don't know what I'm doing. Am I holding onto a lost cause? I know he still feels something for me... so eventually after a week of contemplating whether or not to talk to him, I do it. I tell him that I still have hard feelings for him and I'm scared of getting hurt again. That I'm scared that I'm going to get attached to him, and he'll end up getting a new girl. I tell him the three options, either we eventually get back together, we stop talking completely so I can get over him, or we can awkwardly try to be friends again. He tells me that he still has feelings for me, but he wants me to wait until I get to college and when I'm sure I know what I want so I won't get back together with him and break up with him again. I'm sooooo happppyyy.

I stop talking to other boys and I leave all my heart with him. But... he kinda gets distant towards me. I look at his Facebook and there are tagged photos of him at a party, and a different girl is with him in a lot of those pictures. I tell myself it's nothing over and over again. Time goes by... we still talk and I still have the mindset that we'll get back together. My brother needs to go to the West Covina mall so I ask Tim if he wants to hangout. He comes and we walk around and stuff but I guess I fucked up because I expected us to hangout for the whole day, but he asks me when my brother is coming back to get me. Embarrassed, I ask my brother if he can pick me up and he comes by later. So.. for the time being we go back to Tim's house and watch a movie. The whole time... he's still texting acting like I'm not really there.

One of his friends invites me to a kickback he's throwing, and I guess Tim didn't really expect me to come. Like a fool, I even picked up a drink for Tim before I came. Throughout the night, Tim and I are somewhat near each other the whole night, but he's texting someone the whole time. Literally, every couple seconds he's replying to a text. He even leaves a beer pong game against me so he can talk on the phone. Again.... my heart drops. I get ready to leave and tell him to walk me to my car. When we get there, I ask him if he's talking to another girl. He says "Not really" and my heart drops. The answer is supposed to be No. I start crying but tell him it's okay, because we never really established anything. He tells me he'll stop talking to girls if that's what I want and I say no. I eventually leave and got played as the fool once again. As if that wasn't bad enough, let's REMEMBER that I specifically told him that I didn't want to get attached and then end up getting hurt again. It's exactly... what he did. I tell him that I really want to talk to him about everything and he puts me off. He blocks me online for a while, and won't answer my texts. We end up talking 2 days after, and I confront him about everything. He tells me "I'm not talkin to anyone, so I don't know what you're thinking" telling me that he just wants me to wait til I get to college before we get back together. And I'm happy again... I take his word for everything and he puts his arm around me.

Anyways... he ends up continuing to see that girl. I start talking to a really awesome guy, and I stop talking to Tim. I decide that it's better if we don't talk anymore so that I can get over him. He IMs me one night and I ask him what he's trying to do. Why is he still trying to play with my heart? I tell him that there's no way we can ever be friends. We've had so much history that it's just never going to work, and in order for ME to get over him I can't talk to him. He tells me that it's impossible to act like we don't know each other... and I eventually tell him that I still have feelings for him, but how do I know that all that he's telling me isn't BS? So I told him that if he wants to be with me he has to show me he's serious... and he did. This is where we are now. He started talking to me like everything was normal, he dropped the girls he was talking to, and he even came down to SD to see me.

But... now where do I go from here? I do have feelings for him but I'm pretty sure I always will. How am I supposed to just forgive everything that he's put me through... Whenever we're together, everything is okay.. but when I come home and think about everything I can't seem to let go. I can't seem to let go of how hurt I was each of those times he fucked with my heart. And the thing is... it's like he doesn't even acknowledge it. He doesn't even realize how scared I am to even allow myself to fall for anyone, nonetheless the one person that broke my heart.

................................

Sorry excuse my grammatical errors ... I really don't wanna bother fixing them because I hate reading this entry...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 09:39:44 GMT

Goodbye sweet love of my Life<3
TIMe to let go.

Taylor Swift - You're Not Sorry

kdjhf9w832hksldf

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 06:46:44 GMT

I don't EVER want to allow myself to fall head over heels for a boy. I've been hurt before--Actually... I've been in this situation before... But hey, at least that time it was bearable. At least that time... we weren't together for 2 years... at least that time I didn't allow myself to become attached to him. I think about this over and over again, "If it was ANY other guy I'd be over him in a heartbeat!" but.. this isn't just ANY other guy. I can't even explain how much this ONE person means to me; how... utterly lost I've been for the past couple of months. I know... it all sounds corny and symptoms of "puppy love." But... I can't help it. I know I made a mistake... a rather big one... but now... where do I go? Do I continue to attempt to FIX the mistake I keep dwelling on...? Or.. do I pick up the pieces and move on. I wish I knew what to do. Every time I come up with a solution.... it falls apart because I'm using my brain, not my heart. My emotions tell me one thing, while my logic tells me another.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:02:40 GMT

"They say if you love something you've got to let it go, and if it comes back then it means so much more.
But if it never does, at least you will know, that it was something you had to go through to grow."
Heather Headley - In My Mind

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 08:12:57 GMT

this is freaking... ridiculously amazing...<3

How to Install LOVE

Tech Support: Hello … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you
located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get
the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error
- Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set
up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the
following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but
eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed
and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 06:22:12 GMT

i haven't blogged in the longest time! well... i started a couple of blogs but i got too lazy to finish some, and i had some private blogs too. but anyways... here's my first public one in a while!

spring break was a lot better than i had expected. i barely got ANY time to rest though :(.
(ERIC WU I AM STEALING YOUR FORMAT!)

SATURDAY- visited SD with my parents, went to south coast plaza to get my Grandma's birthday gift&peek at my graduation gift, then went to santa ana to eat some bombass vietnamese food :).

SUNDAY - Grandma's birthday :). happy 84th my favoritest grandma :). church in the morning, tv shopping with my brothers (my brother bought me a new tv!), &party at my aunt's in the afternoon.

MONDAY- BEACH with everyone :) PERFECT weather for the beach! Cocary with tammy helen and michelle, then kindasorta bonfire at david's :)

TUESDAY - 2 year anniversary with tim :). shopping&melting pot

WEDNESDAY - Cabazon and MORONGO with my parents then Cocary again! :)

THURSDAY - probably the most laid back of all of my days! Andrew picked me up and we had nowhere to go.... so we went to AU! we eventually created a group consisting of Richard, Nick, Michelle :)

FRIDAY - got my invisible shield done by my faaaav, jay :)! then timmy&i headed to westco to watch fast and furious... which was FULL! so we went to vivians and chilled, then went to eat Red Robins, FINALLLYYY! yumyums :)

SATURDAY - helped my mumma clean in the morning and drove to westco, picked up timmy, and went to the Stussy sale! ran into Andrew Ma there! :). went home&everyone came over for an Easter/Grandma's confirmation party, then went to church for the rest of the night.

SUNDAY - psh of COURSE sunday adventures with my brothers. went to walmart&pretty much chilled around arcadia for the rest of the daaaay! they all left for school for the rest of the week though :(

yupp! pretty good spring break09 :)

that's a good enough update, right?
a little less than 2 months 'til school is over!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:57:16 GMT

OKAY i'm not so sick anymore... :) HOORRAAAAAYYYY! i am SO going to start my period soon 'cause every little thing makes me crazy :(.

however i love my timmy bear! =) LOl
timmy: "go to sleep.. i want you to get as much rest as possible(sound it out.. pos-si-ble)"
kimberly: "oookayyyyyyy"
timmy: " heh heh pasta.... ble"
kimberly: "pasta... bowl!!!!!!!!!!! EHEHHEHEHEH"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA i doubt this makes sense but whatever.. i need to save this somewhere. LOL

KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:10 AM):	youre supposed to call me ..
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:11 AM):	gosh
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:12 AM):
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:19 AM):	ive been waiting >:O
T1MMY 626 (1:07:21 AM):	oo
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:34 AM):	....
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:35 AM):	:(
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:37 AM):	no
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:43 AM):	im not goanna pick up
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:50 AM):	you have to call as many times
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:53 AM):	as the number im thinking
KIMBERLYYTEE (1:07:53 AM):
T1MMY 626 (1:08:27 AM):	ii hope its 2
(timmy calls me 2 times) T1MMY 626 (1:08:29 AM):
(timmy calls me 3 times) T1MMY 626 (1:08:40 AM):	3?

and this goes on unTILLLL!!!!!!..

then i started feeling bad. but yeah HEHEEEEEEE i love my temmy =)<3

okay my eyes hurt now. i really want to nap =(. OOOKKKKKAYYYY bye xanga<3

Monday, February 16, 2009

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:36:07 GMT

i really wanna get back into blogging all the time, even if no one reads it =)

SO ... i found out like last week or something that my brother's graduation is on the SAME DAY as mine. and to make it even worse... SAME TIME! =( i want all of my family to be there... but it's okay lOl. i'm actually pretty excited for what lies ahead... as of right now i'll probably get into a medical field... hopefully nursing or a physicians assistant. :)?

yesterday was valentines! soo ... i finished my fasfa finally. so annoying i hate filling out things... and my mommy made me pot stickers =) and asked when timmy was coming. sooo he came by and my mama fed him more potstickers and he watched me get ready and do my hair HAHA. OH omg on monday my mom asked timmy to drop off something for one of her friends in rowland heights... so he was like okay we'll go today (saturday). she asked me to get something in his car and so i went into his car and in MY seat aka the passenger seat his jacket was in the way.. so i moved it and there was a rose there =) so cutee! hehe<3 but yeah i didn't want him to think that the surprise was ruined so i went back into the house n pretended like i didn't know aynthing... then when timmy and i finally left i moved his jacket n i was like :O YAY! HAHAHAHA i know i'm so sad LOL anyways....

then my timmy bear gave me my birthday present! hehe so i first shook it and i was like hmm probably clothes.. then i unwrapped(the way i unwrap things is like a cat... i scratch it until it unwraps cause it's more fun that way) one layer... and there was a t-mobile bag. i was like :O YAY WHAT'D HE GET ME FOR MY PHONE! but it was empty. (asshole LOL) and then i unwrapped another layer and there was a box with a bag in it with a whole bunch of random crap around it. like bubble wrap, shoe stuffers.. etc. i opened the bag and thfelt it and it was a shoe. HEHEHEHE then i pulled it out and i knew it was an ugg boot. HEHEHEH SO CUTEEEEEE. then he told me why he did each of the things...
he added the extra layer with the t-mobile bag because he knew i'd try to open it like a kitty... he didn't have a top on the box because he knew i'd gues sit was shoes.. he added crap around the box because he KNEW i'd shake the box to guess what it was.. and he wrapped each individually so that i wouldn't know what was coming next... HAHAHAHa gosh i love my boyfrienddd... he's the best =)

so anyways after our adventure we went to san gabriel so that he could pick up soymilk for his mumma (ironically it was right next to my ex-boyfriend's parents eye place... and when i told timmy he said that his parents go there for their glasses... weird huh) anyways. then we went to westcovina to drop it off and to rowland to drop off the thinggy for my mama! then went diamond plaza to cues&tenrens, then we got hungry! so we went for dinner at CPK in west covina! OMG it's so much prettier than ours in arcadia! then we had no idea what to do so we went back to my house and watched a cinderella story. i fell asleep so timmy left.. :T LOL<3 anyways a really good valentines day!

TODAYYYYY! sundays are usually family days... anyways after my accident my family has been really annoying to me... but i guess i understand LOl. soooooo we went to church, lunch&to visit my aunt.. then my brothers and i went to the mall to put on our invisible shields... but it was goanna take like an houRRRrr so tammy bear picked me up from the mall and we went to go chill at AU! where i saw ANDREWWWWWW<3 yay =) hehe so tammy and i talked and stuff. i love my tammy bear =) and now i'm here! watching Accepted. LOl i didn't know Serina aka Blake Lively was in this movie! she's so freakin pretty....and the smart tall guy from Sydney White is in here too!

anyways on the topic of college... i'm accepted to UCR and CSULA. i wonder if i got into CSULB since not a lot of people did.... but i still haven't heard from them. weirddd huh... i don't think i'd like to go anyways now that no one really got accepted. =( LALA it's so scary thinking that in a little over a month i'll find out all the colleges i got into and what's coming next.. =T

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Sun, 25 May 2008 01:16:36 GMT

T1MMY 626 (8:29:55 PM): i knoe i cant be thereeeeeeeeeee
T1MMY 626 (8:29:58 PM): baby its alrahtttttttttttttttt
T1MMY 626 (8:30:06 PM): ill be waiting for youuuuuuuu
T1MMY 626 (8:30:08 PM): tonighttt
T1MMY 626 (8:30:24 PM): meeeeeeet me inm y dreamsss tonightt
kimberlyytee (8:30:27 PM):
kimberlyytee (8:30:36 PM): all i know issss
kimberlyytee (8:30:40 PM): you were designed for me
kimberlyytee (8:30:44 PM): you were my destiny
kimberlyytee (8:30:46 PM): yes i promiseeee
kimberlyytee (8:30:49 PM): i aint gon never leave
kimberlyytee (8:30:51 PM): bby your love was meant for me